


The Misadventures of TommyInnit

by Clichewho_69, orphan_account



Series: MCYT Percy Jackson AU [2]
Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Percy Jackson Fusion, Gen, Swearing, TommyInnit swears a lot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:13:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25904899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clichewho_69/pseuds/Clichewho_69, https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: While the Dteam is off on their own adventures saving the world and appeasing the gods or whatever the fuck it is, Tommy is busy doing his OWN thing.And it's just as important. Probably even MORE important. You see, not everybody will tell you this but he's actually the most important, strong, AND powerful man in all of camp halfblood. And oh boy does he know it.——————————This is a oneshot series dedicated to TommyInnits little- sorry- epic adventures in camp halfblood while Dream and his squad of losers are out. You definitely don't have to read the original series in order to understand most of the oneshots that will be posted on here, but it would be pretty cool if you checked it out!
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s)
Series: MCYT Percy Jackson AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1879942
Comments: 197
Kudos: 414





	1. So I made the hellbitch MY bitch...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally here! The Tommy oneshot series I promised all of you! This one is his POV for chapter nine of the main series so if you somehow stumbled across this and you haven't read the original, go check it out!
> 
> !TRIGGER WARNING! This oneshot contains mentions of drowning! It's not at all graphic but if that's something that's hard for you to read about look out for it!
> 
> Also big huge thanks to 41rfs25 (aka dreamnotfound-au on Tumblr) for being the best beta ever
> 
> \------------------------------
> 
> Parentage for the characters in this chapter:
> 
> Tommy - Hermes  
> George - Poseidon  
> Technoblade - Ares  
> Nestor - Ares  
> Calvin - Ares  
> Tubbo - Hephaestus  
> Fundy - Dionysus

“Fuck these trees, these trees are _stupid_ , I hope they — they should burn,” Tommy grumbled as he heaved himself onto a thick branch.

He stared upwards, at the rest of the tree, and groaned, “how far did I even make it?” he glanced towards the ground as it taunted him from a few feet below, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!”

The sound of muffled laughter rang out from the canopies above, and he scowled, “Oh yeah, yeah, real nice _nymphs_ ,” he spat out , “you guys are literal tree s , you’re bark, _obviously_ you have no trouble getting to the top you — you PLANKS!”

He yanked down another branch and continued climbing, “you guys are all like ‘Oh look at me! I’m a _nature spirit_ ! I’m a _tree_ ! Let me make fun of the _flesh boy_ for not being a tree as well!’ SCREW YOU!”

After a few minutes of silent, uneventful climbing, an acorn clunked down on top of his head in response.

“Oh yeah that’s _real_ \- REAL mature of you, you’ll regret it when I get up there, you will, you’ll see, I’ll fuckin- i’ll rip off a _leaf_ from you! _Yeahhh!_ How do you like _that_ nymph BITCH!?”

The nymph bitch did not, in fact, like that, as the branch right underneath Tommy’s hand retreated, causing him to lose his grip and fall forward. With a shrill cry, his foot latched onto a branch beneath him, catching his fall so that he hung upside down.

“I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY, I WON’T TAKE YOUR LEAF I JUST WANT TO GET UP YOUR TREE IT’S A VERY LOVELY TREE PLEASE I TAKE IT BACK!” he waved his arms around frantically in an attempt to latch onto anything that could bring him back up.

A nymph popped her head over the branch Tommy’s leg was hanging off of, smiling mischievously, she pushed it forward slightly eliciting another shrill cry from the boy.

“LET’S BE RATIONAL- LET’S THINK ABOUT THIS, ALRIGHT? LOOK! I-I HAVE A DEAL, I have a deal, okay? If you let me not die, and also to climb your tree all the way up to the top I promise I’ll bring fertilizer for you every day for the rest of the WEEK! Okay? The WHOLE ENTIRE WEEK! It’ll be _great,_ your tree will become so big and strong and it will be the _best_ one in the WHOLE forest!”

The dryad paused, considering his suggestion before shrugging and pushing his foot off the branch. 

“AHHH YOU IDIOT YOU ABSOLUTE-” his screams were cut off as a bunch of vines circled around his waist and pulled him upwards, knocking the wind out of him, he was placed at the top of the tree.

“That wasn’t funny nymph, that wasn’t funny at _all_ ,” he grumbled, the dryad simply chuckled quietly in response, “I need to go a few more trees over that way, you can help me get there too, right?” 

The vines tightened their grip around him and hovered over a few more treetops before finally settling down at his command.

“ _Yeeeaahh_ there it is — that is, that’s perfect, look at me go! TommyInnit, king of the trees!

The nymph appeared next to him, rolling her eyes, and gave him a questioning look as she settled down on the branch beside him.

“Oh you wanna know why I’m up here, right? Well of course you would, all the women are interested in knowing what TommyInnit is up to, you see, I’ve had _many_ women approach me, i-in my lifetime, so I know exactly what it is that you-”

A vine curled around his ankle threateningly and he immediately changed the direction of his monologue, “Right, well, you see that man? Over there?” he asked, pointing to a short figure in the middle of the clearing beneath them, “that’s George, he’s a new guy, a very _dumb_ new guy, he is — he is stupid, and because of him me and Technoblade — you know who Technoblade is, right? Pink hair, shiny crown, really tall?” 

He gestured vaguely with his hands before the dryads eyes lit up in recognition, “ _Yeah_ you know him. Okay so he and I got into a bet — would you like to know what the bet is?” The dryad nodded, “Good, okay, so I bet Technoblade that this new guy — this _idiot_ — can cause more problems for his own team than Technoblade can, because I know that he’s very bad, makes sense, right?”

She nodded again, “Good! Okay, so in order to make _sure_ that George will cause as many problems as possible I lied — no no wait, I don’t lie, I just tricked- I just told him that Technoblade would be coming to beat him up and that _he_ should go attack him _first_ so that he doesn’t get completely owned!”

The dryad wrinkled her nose in distaste, “It’s an amazing plan! I know! But he’s not even following it! Look! He’s just sitting there! I thought I would get to follow him from the treetops and see him make a _fool_ of himself but instead he’s just — he’s not even doing anything _interesting_. I-”

“Tch, his asshole must be jealous of all the shit that comes out of his mouth,” George said from beneath them before throwing his head back in a cackle.

The dryad chuckled quietly as Tommy scowled, “Oh yeah real nice _George,_ real funny,” he turned back to the nymph, “he’s not talking about me, I promise, he’s probably talking about somebody else that I’m not at all involved with-”

“Did you see the _look_ on that man's face?!” rang out another voice from beneath them.

Tommy’s eyes lit up as he gestured towards the nymph to peer down with him, “that’s xNestorio!” he whispered, “Oh, he’s a _legend_ , he is, look! Look who’s behind him!” He grabbed onto the nymph’s shoulder and shook it in excitement, “that’s Technoblade and Cxlvxn! That whole team is here! Dryad this is the best moment of my life I can’t believe they’re actually-! I-I mean of course they’re here,” he cleared his throat, “I would never lie to George, I don’t lie, I am no liar, I knew they would come here this whole time!”

The dryad pursed her lips and gave him a nonplussed look.

“Okay, alright, maybe I did just get lucky, this is gonna be _hilarious_!”

The trio pushed through the bushes as they continued their conversation, finally spotting George as they came into the clearing one by one. They exchanged a couple more jokes and cackles in front of the trembling demigod, Tommy desperately trying to stifle his laugh at Technoblades cries of “THAT’S A TOOTHPICK” so he wouldn’t reveal himself, before the conversation died down and Nestor pulled his sword out of its sheath.

“Oh he could take my sword, I’m not even meleeing, it’s all in the bow shots,” his voice echoed upwards towards them as the sword spiralled through the air, landing directly in Technoblades outstretched hand with a dramatic twirl.

“Oh! Look at him go!”

“Techno with the _moves_!”

As Technoblade showed off his epic sword abilities, Tommy and the dryad watched, mesmerized, from their spot at the top of the tree, whistling and cheering as he caught it for the final time and bowed deeply.

“Please, please, hold your applause, you’re too kind,” Techno waved up at them, causing Tommy and the nymph to scramble to a place behind the tree and press their backs to the trunk.

“Shit, that was too close,” he whispered, the dryad nodded silently, “why are _you_ hiding, you BELONG up here, don’t be stupid,” she glared at him and relaxed her shoulders.

Tommy closed his eyes and took in a deep breath to get his heart to stop pounding in his chest. He was immediately snapped out of the action, however, as the dryad tugged incessantly at his sleeve.

“What! WHAT! What are you _doing_ you-” she slapped a hand over his mouth and gestured frantically to the view below them.

Moving her hand away, Tommy peered over her shoulder and his jaw went slack, mirroring the reactions of Nestor, Calvin and Techno as they all stared at the giant wall of water that had risen out of the creek behind George’s back.

“What the _fuck_?” he whispered.

George, seeming to just now notice the entire mass of water he was manipulating screeched in horror at the reapproaching Technoblade.

“DON’T COME ANY CLOSER!”

“Dude, I’m just trying to-”

“I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU’RE TRYING, TOMMY TOLD ME EVERYTHING!”

He grimaced, “ _Shit_ he wasn’t supposed to _say that_ , George, you _idiot!_ _Shut up!_ Don’t say another word I-”

“Tommy? What are you talking about?”

“DON’T PLAY DUMB, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WERE PLANNING!”

“George, you are a stupid bitch,” Tommy groaned and threw himself back against the tree trunk.

An ear piercing shriek quickly snapped him back up, however, as the wall of water flew in an arc over George’s head and slammed into the three children of Ares below him.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING!” the nymph glared at him accusingly, “WH- you think this is _my_ fault, how is this _my-_ okay maybe it is my fault.” he admitted, “Maybe, maybe a little bit. But how was _I_ supposed to know he’d go and do _that_?!

He paused and glanced over the branch again, watching as Calvin popped his way out of the water prison and ran back for Nestor. He sighed in relief. The nymph tugged at his sleeve again and pointed to the center of the cube.

“What, what’s in there- TECHNO! TECHNOBLADE IS THERE!” He screeched as the two demigods beneath him came to the same realization, “We have to do something! Nymph! What do we do!”

She clamped a hand over his mouth again and pointed at the suited man making his way up the tree.

“Shit!” he whispered, “Okay, don’t move.”

The nymph nodded and pressed her hand against the bark, growing more handholds and footholds for Nestor to climb up. As the demigod finished his ascent, he pulled an arrow out of his suit and readied his bow. Tommy peeked over the edge, his hand reaching for a smaller branch to support him as it snapped in half.

He gasped, the nymph pulling him back just in time as the branch landed on Nestor’s shoulder. Tommy shot her a grateful glance before the sound of a whizzing arrow made them both snap back to attention. The entire forest held its breath as the arrow spiralled through the air and….

“Shot ‘em!” called Nestor just as the water cube collapsed into a giant wave, pushing Calvin back against their tree and forcing Tommy and the nymph to cling to their branch so as to not fall off.

Quickly recovering from the pushback, Calvin cheered and pumped his fist in the air, his cries being cut short as soon as Technoblade came into view.

Tommy gasped in horror and quickly looked away, but the image was already seared into his mind.

Technoblade was an immovable, unkillable man, he never faltered or let up, he never knew the _meaning_ of defeat. The unconscious, motionless man beneath him was _not_ Techno. He refused to believe it.

Because if the crowned king of the Ares cabin was the same man who now lay unbreathing in a pool of mud beneath him then that meant that Techno was gone.

And it was all his fault.

He felt a drop of water hit his hands and looked up, “Hey n-nymph, is it r-raining now?”, but the sun simply smiled back at him from between the branches, bright and happy and taunting, “o-oh,” he sniffed, wiping a tear from his face, “it's just me.” he chuckled weakly at himself.

The dryad’s hand ghosted over his shoulder, pulling back at the last second. She looked down at the demigods below her and concentrated, smiling triumphantly as she felt a small purple flower sprout beside the drowned demigod and wrap itself around his wrist.

She held out her own hand and an identical flower sprouted out of her palm. Taking Tommy’s hand, she wrapped the stem around his wrist and looked up at him with a beaming smile.

“W-what are you doing, nymph? Th-this flower is _s-stupid_ ,” he spat, tearing his hand away from her grasp, “I fucked up, I fucked up bad and now- he’s not coming back, is he? A-and it’s _my_ fault.” He clutched the wrist with the flower bracelet on it and held it close to his chest, “I-I don’t want this d-dumb fucking flower, I want Techno to be ALIVE! But you can’t _do that_ for me, can you?!” he turned to look at her with heavy tears in his eyes, “Y-you can’t do that for me, this is _all_ you can do! This is all..”

The dryad put a comforting hand on his shoulder as he cried, their mournful silence interrupted by a shrill cry from beneath them, causing them both to flinch.

“HOLY SHIT I FUCKING DROWNED HIM!”

“What?! No, no!”

“UH, FUCKING YES HE DID! THE MAN’S NOT BREATHING!”

“Y-you hear that dryad?!” Tommy laughed mirthlessly, “The man’s not breathing! And g-guess whose fault t-that is?!”

“I FUCKING KILLED A GUY! I KILLED HIM!”

“I-I killed him, nymph, I killed Technoblade.”

Silent tears streamed down his face as the screams continued down below him. The nymph stared down at the demigods below her in pity, watching as the crying one threw himself over the archers shoulder. Her gaze flitted over to the drowned demigod and she gasped as his figure convulsed underneath the compressions of the other and began coughing up water. She shook Tommy’s shoulder and thrust her finger in the direction of the pink-haired man excitedly.

“I- I don’t want to look at him, nymph, please,” he whispered to her. She shook her head and continued pointing at the scene below them, “I can’t look at what I’ve done, okay? I don’t want to see it.”

She huffed and grabbed his face with her hands, forcing him to look as Technoblade turned over and vomited the remainder of the creek out of his lungs.

“Wh-?”

“HE LIVES! I FUCKING DID IT!”

“Woohoo! The king lives on!”

Tommy turned to look at the nymph in disbelief and she smiled at him, “Nymph is this a prank?” She shook her head and patted him on the back, “H-he’s really okay? I _didn’t_ kill Technoblade?!” She shook her head again, “THANK GODS!” he slumped down with a cry of relief, “I’ve learnt my lesson, I have, i’m _never_ doing anything stupid like that EVER again, I swear, dryad if I ever do something dumb like this again then you should hit me with a branch, alright?” She nodded enthusiastically, “Wh-! DON’T BE SO _PLEASED_ ABOUT IT!”

The nymph's noiseless laugh was cut off by the sounds of thundering footsteps below them as an entire herd of demigods came rushing towards the clearing from the Ares side. Tommy’s eyes widened in excitement as he noticed Illumina, far ahead of the group, carrying the red flag above his head.

“Nymph this _whole_ day just turned around! Look at him go! Oh!” Illumina leaped into the clearing and the flag shimmered as it recognized the friendly territory, “We fuckin WON dryad! We won HAHA! YES!”

He clasped his hands together, “Dryad it has been _so_ nice speaking to you-”

A thunderous roar interrupted him and the rest of the cheering campers celebration. The nymphs eyes widened in fear at the sound and she faded into the wood.

“No no! Where are you going! What the fuck is that?!”

His head snapped back as the creature leaped into view, nearly taking down a couple of campers who were standing in its path. 

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?! DRYAD, WHAT IS THAT?! WHERE DID YOU GO?!”

The creature howled and the crowd went into another panic as it began chasing George into the woods.

“IS THAT A FUCKING HELLHOUND?!” he screeched, “NYMPH, IS THAT A HELLHOUND?!”

“SHOOT IT SHOOT IT SHOOT IT HELP!” George yelled as he ran back into the clearing from directly underneath Tommy’s tree.

“TECHNO NO!” Tommy screamed in horror as George went tumbling over the man's unconscious body, “George you IDIOT!”

The monster came crashing in after George, locking its eyes onto his target who was cowering behind the incapacitated demigod. Tommy’s gaze flitted from the trembling George, to the drooling beast, to the passed out Techno and made a split second decision.

“DON’T WORRY TECHNOBLADE, I’LL SAVE YOU!” He screamed as he threw himself off the top of the tree.

The nymph gasped from her spot in the tree as she watched Nestor pull back his bow and fire. She pressed her hand to the bark and immediately a giant branch exploded out of its side, hitting Nestor in the shoulder and throwing his aim wildly off course so that the arrow wouldn’t hit Tommy. The projectile went spiraling into the drained creek and both she and Nestor sighed in relief.

Tommy cheered triumphantly as he landed directly onto the monsters back, “YEAH YOU HELLHOUND BITCH! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, HUH?!”

“TOMMY, WHY?!” George screamed at him.

“Oh look at you, George!” Tommy bellowed, “You’re such a coward! I’m _easily_ beating this beast with my amazing power! I’ve made it my bit- AHH!”

His ramblings were cut off by the hellhound suddenly leaping forward and bucking around wildly. He crushed his legs against its side and grabbed onto its ears for dear life whilst he yelled.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS IT DOING?”

“IT’S TRYING TO GET YOU OFF!”

“WHY? THIS CREATURE IS STUPID! KILL IT!”

“WE WERE _TRYING_ TO-!”

“TRY _HARDER_! AHHH!” 

The creature nearly threw him off, but he stayed firmly in his spot.

“IS THIS A FUCKING RODEO?! AMERICANS DO THIS BULLSHIT FOR FUN?!”

“I DON’T KNOW I’M NOT AMERICAN!” George sobbed.

Tommy readjusted his grip on the hellhounds ears specifically to shoot George an unimpressed look of disgust at the pathetic statement. Just before he could open his mouth to ask George if he was fucking stupid, the beast had decided on a new tactic and went thundering back into the dense underbrush of the forest.

“NO NO NO YOU STUPID IDIOT BITCH DOG!” he screamed at it as it tore through the bushes, the branches scratching at his arms and legs in an attempt to scrape him off the creatures back.

He squeezed his eyes shut and continued yelling at it “FUCK YOU DOG BITCH I HATE YOU YOU’RE FUCKING STUPID! WHAT KIND OF NAME IS A HELLHOUND ANYWAY?! IT’S SO LAME YOU’RE DUMB AND YOU SUCK! YOU HAVE HELL IN YOUR NAME, WHY DON’T YOU GO THERE, HUH? WHY DON’T YOU GO THERE HELLBITCH?!”

The hellhound growled underneath him in response, and he laughed at it, “Oh you don’t like that name, do you hellBITCH? Well guess what, it’s the _correct terminology_ FOR YOU!”

The creature took them deeper and deeper into the forest, the woods seeming to never end until they were both suddenly launched into the air.

“WHAT THE SHIT ARE YOU DOING _ARE YOU FLYING NOW_?!”

The hellhound howled confusedly in response as golden threads appeared all around them, weaving themselves into a net and closing in on the two.

“DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE TRAP ME IN HERE WITH THIS THING, I’M WARNING YOU, WHO THE SHIT-!”

“Oh Tommy! It’s you! You got caught in my trap! I was just coming over to deactivate it!” called a voice from below the golden net.

Tommy peered down at the familiar voice, his eyes lighting up in recognition as the boy below him waved, “Hello! How are you doing?!”

Tommy tugged at the wires as the hellhound thrashed around wildly beneath him, “Oh, hey Tubbo! I’m doing great- HOW DOES IT LOOK LIKE I’M DOING YOU IDIOT!”

“Well, I don’t know, you’ve got a new pet dog and stuff so that’s nice.”

“PET- A _PET DOG_?! TUBBO HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?! THIS IS HELL CREATURE! THIS IS A HELLHOUND!”

“It looks friendly!”

“ _FRIENDLY_?!” Tommy screeched, locking eyes with the hairy, thousand pound, sharp toothed, bloodthirsty creature beside him, “IT’S NOT FUCKING FRIENDLY, IT ALMOST KILLED TECHNOBALDE AND IT TRIED TO KILL ME TOO!”

“Yeah you’re right, that doesn’t sound very friendly.”

The hellhound snapped its jaws in Tommy’s direction, having realized that the net would give it the perfect opportunity to reach him.

“TUBBO CUT THIS NET DOWN RIGHT NOW OR I SWEAR I-I’LL DO SOMETHING! I’LL DO SOMETHING _BAD_!”

“Hey, what’s going on here?” another voice entered the conversation.

“Oh hey Fundy!” called Tubbo, waving to the fox man as he approached the trap, “Tommy was just telling me about his new pet dog!”

“IT’S NOT MY PET DOG IT’S GOING TO KILL ME!”

  
“That’s a really cool dog you got there Tommy,” Fundy remarked, a sly smile creeping onto his face, “you know you guys look like you’re having a lot of fun up there!”

“That’s what I was thinking too!”

“NO WE ARE NOT HAVING A GOOD TIME! CUT! ME! DOWN! NOW!”

“Tommy if we cut you down then the hellhound will escape too and you said it wants to kill people, I don’t think that’s such a smart idea,” Tubbo said.

“ARE YOU-?!” Tommy spluttered, “ARE YOU _STUPID?!_ JUST GET ME DOWN SO I DON’T DIE WE CAN DEAL WITH THAT LATER! WHAT, DO YOU WANT ME TO DIE, TUBBO?! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!”

“No! I would never!”

“THEN GET ME OUT OF HERE!”

Tubbo glanced at Fundy who simply shrugged and backed away, “Yeah, I don’t want to be here for this.”

“That’s fair.”

“COME BACK HERE FUR BOY, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE ADULT!”

“Too late, I’m already gone,” he chuckled, his figure falling apart as it shifted into a red fox and skittered into the bushes.

“WHY YOU-!”

“Okay, I’m cutting you down now!” Tubbo called up, and with one easy tug of the string holding them up, the net came falling apart, sending both Tommy and the hellhound careening to the ground, howling and screaming.

They fell in a heap at Tubbos feet and Tommy groaned, reaching a hand up to be pulled to his feet.

“Hello Tommy,” Tubbo smiled at him.

Tommy dusted himself off and placed a hand on the other boy's shoulder, with a smile, he replied, "Tubbo. Run."

The beast growled as it got back to its feet, not looking nearly as friendly as it did when it was suspended in the sky.

"Okay!" He chirped, and they sprinted off, screaming, the beast hot on their trail.

Fundy sighed from his place in the bushes as he watched the two run off, leading the hellhound directly back towards the clearing where everyone else was regrouping, “I should probably go warn them,” he reasoned, and scampered off.

The beast gnashed its teeth, chomping away at everything Tommy was throwing back at it in an attempt to slow it down.

“TOMMY NOT THE BEES!” Tubbo screamed as Tommy latched onto a beehive and hurled it backwards.

“FORGET THE BEES, TUBBO, _WE’RE_ ABOUT TO DIE!”

The hive exploded in the creature’s mouth, not slowing it down even by the most miniscule of margins.

“NOOO!” he wailed mournfully, “THE BEES!”

The path ahead of them diverged in two directions, with a patch of bushes just ahead of them.

“INTO THE BUSHES TUBBO IT’LL SLOW IT DOWN!”

“WHAT?! NO IT WON’T! MAKE A TURN IT’S GOING TOO FAST TO-!”

Tommy grabbed the boy’s arm and threw himself into the bushes, cutting off the rational train of thought before it infected him too. Tommy turned to grin smugly at the hellhound, only to be met with a set of sharp, glistening teeth.

He screamed and pushed further into the bushes, “IT’S STILL ON US TUBBO, RUN RUN RUN!”

“I’M RUNNING I’M RUNNING!”

Moving one final branch out of his way, Tommy burst into the clearing, snapping the branch back directly into Tubbo’s face.

“Oh shit sor- AH!” the force of the other boy slamming into him sent them both flying to the ground, just as the hellhound came clambering out of the bushes behind them.

Tommy screeched and scrambled backwards as the beast howled and stalked towards them.

“WHY’D YOU LET IT GO TUBBO WHY!?”

“I’M SORRY I DIDN’T MEAN TO! YOU SAID-!”

“I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING! THIS IS ALL _YOUR_ FAULT TUBBO!” Tommy cried, as the hellhound hovered directly above them.

He reached over and grabbed the boy beside him pulling him close, “YOU’RE SO STUPID AND WE’RE GOING TO DIE!”

“YOU’RE RIGHT IT’S MY FAULT I’M SORRY TOMMY!” Tubbo hugged him back and they both screamed, screwing their eyes shut.

The nymph gasped in horror at the view beneath her, she glanced at the trench where the fox, drowned man, and creek drainer lay hidden and noticed the unconscious man stirring. In an instant, she sent a vine towards a forgotten bow from the field and plopped it into his lap, hoping against hope that he’d be able to save Tommy. 

The man blinked blearily and winced as the sounds of screaming reached his ears. Slowly rising from his position with a grimace, he pulled back his bow, aimed, and fired, hardly finding the need to assess the situation before he made his shot.

“THIS IS THE END, TUBBO, THIS IS THE END!” Tommy wailed, tightening his hold on the boy beside him as he felt a fine powder falling over him, “IS THIS WHAT DYING FEELS LIKE?! I’LL SEE YOU IN ELYSIUM!”.

“Tommy I don’t think we need to wait that long to meet again,” Tubbo said calmly.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU- oh,” he chuckled sheepishly at the foliage above them, the hellhound having disappeared from sight, “Wait! I KILLED IT- get off me Tubbo, you’re so clingy” he pulled himself out of the hug and jumped to his feet triumphantly, “ _YEAH_ IT WAS ME! TOMMYINNIT! I SLAYED THE FOUL CREATURE, HAHA!”

“Actually it-”

“SHUT UP TUBBO I JUST SAVED US FROM THE HELLHOUND!”

“Y-yeah! You did! Good job, Tommy.”

“Of course Tubbo, after all it’s my _job_ as a manly hero to defeat such beasts and save weak people like you! You can thank me by giving me that sword you forged the other day! You know, the one that's all _shiny_ and stuff, it would look much better in the hands of a hero like me than in _your_ hands.”

Tubbo nodded slowly, “Y-yeah I’m sure it-” he gasped in horror, “THE BEES! Sorry Tommy, I’ll be right back, I have to help the bees!”

“Wait T- oh he’s gone.” the boy disappeared back into the bushes they came from, just as a crowd started forming around Tommy.

He sighed and turned around, gasping in excitement as he noticed a ginger furry carrying a now conscious Technoblade in his arms as he climbed out of the drained creek.

“TECHNOBLADE!” he cried, sprinting towards them, “You woke up! Did you see how I saved you from the monster!? I’m so great, I was even the one to _kill it,_ you know? You weren’t there though so you didn’t get to see, but I scared it off — I did — I said ‘Hellhound dog you are a BITCH and I, TommyInnit, am a manly man who will _beat_ you!’ Now the dog didn’t understand English but it _saw_ how manly and strong I was so it evaporated in- in _fear_. I saved everyone here, including you, so you should be very thankful.”

Fundy’s ears twitched back and forth, probably in awe at Tommy’s immense power, “I don’t-”

“Yeah, thanks Tommy, I’m very grateful,” Techno nodded as he patted Fundy on the back.

Tommy beamed proudly and puffed out his chest, “Well you wanna know what I think? I think you should let me wear your crown today because you were not very king-like at all, Technoblade. You just laid down on the floor the whole time like ‘oh look at me I’m Technoblade, I almost drowned because of George, I have to faint now while TommyInnit saves me from a monster’-!”

“Yeah yeah you can have it,” Techno cut in, “but just answer me one question, can you do that?”

Tommy held himself back from nodding enthusiastically and put a hand to his chin, “Hmmm, I suppose I can, after all you asked me so kindly and I am a very generous man.”

“Okay, how did you know that I almost drowned? We never said anything about the whole battle that went down, right George?”

“Huh, you’re right, we didn’t,” he remarked, grinning smugly at the horrified boy in front of him.

_Shit shit shit shit shit shit_

“Pff, haha, that’s easy! Y-y-you’re clothes are all wet, obviously you almost drowned!” he stammered, pointing at Techno’s drenched ensemble, “What, a-are you trying to say that you just went for a _swim_ mid-game?! Huh?! Is THAT what you’re trying to tell me?! Don’t be _stupid_ Technoblade, that would be a _stupid_ thing to do.” He crossed his arms and huffed.

“Tommy, you said that I almost drowned ‘ _because of George’_ , how did you know-?”

“I ALREADY ANSWERED ONE OF YOUR QUESTIONS, I DON’T NEED TO ANSWER ANOTHER ONE TECHNOBITCH!” he announced, throwing his hands in the air as he turned around to leave, only just then noticing the large crowd that had surrounded their group, trapping him in with the scowling man.

“Tommy,” Technoblade’s voice had taken on a tone of warning, and Tommy gulped, turning back around with a nervous grin, “I seem to recall George screaming something about how you told him my ‘plan’. That’s kind of funny, actually, because _I personally_ don’t remember telling you anything. Now George, do you think you can tell me what it is exactly that Tommy told you? You know, the thing that sent you into a panic and caused you to almost drown me and _two other people_?” Tommy turned away from the glares of Technoblade and the rest of the campers, staring at George with pleading eyes.

George shifted uncomfortably in his spot, “Y-yeah, he said that you were planning on hunting me down and beating me up.”

_Shit fuck shit fuck shit._

“Did he?!” Technoblade exclaimed, his eye twitching as he stared at Tommy, “Oh wow! Why didn’t anybody tell me that?! I was doing a pretty terrible job for somebody who was supposed to be set on beating you up, don’t you think?”

_Ahhh fuck._

George and Tommy chuckled nervously, “N-n-now now, let’s be reasonable here!” his voice rising in pitch as he waved his arms up and down in a calming gesture, “do you guys _genuinely_ believe this new guy?! Over ME?!”

The nervous smile on his face was replaced with a scowl as the crowd whispered different forms of ‘obviously, yeah’ amongst themselves, “Oh COME ON!” he scoffed, “Why would I even _say_ such a thing?! Why would I want George to hurt my dear good friend Technoblade! We _are_ friends, right Technoblade?! I would NEVER wish to bring harm upon you that would be TERRIBLE — that would be AWFUL!”

“Tommy do you remember the bet we made yesterday? When George first came into camp?”

“Shit,” he whispered to himself, before straightening his posture, “N-no! I don’t! Sorry! I had a really good time talking with you, Technoblade. I should be going now though, I think I hear my, uh, my mum calling me, it’s a school night after all!”

“It’s summer,” Fundy pointed out unhelpfully and Tommy resisted the urge to curse him out or - even better- call him a furry.

“People in _Australia_ have school, Fundy, don’t be stupid!” he replied, crossing his arms.

“We’re not-”

“I’m leaving and you can’t stop me!” he declared before Fundy could point out the obvious again, turning back towards the crowd, he made a second attempt at getting past them and failed. He glanced at Technoblade who only glared at him in response and groaned.

_This is so stupid._

Resigning himself to his fate, he dropped to the ground and scrambled in between the legs of the guarding campers, all of them screeching and attempting to dance around him, a few even falling over behind him before he popped out the other side.

“HAHA! TommyInnit — out!” he cheered, flipping off the grumbling demigods and dashing back into the forest for refuge.

After a few moments of non stop running, his triumphant laughter died down and he dropped to a walk. The forest was actually quite lovely when there weren’t any waterbending demigods and man eating hellhounds destroying the place.

He looked up at the canopy and put a hand over his brow to cover the glare of the sun, his vision catching onto something around his wrist. He brought his hand back down and grinned, the small purple flower, despite everything, had stayed securely in its place.

“Oi nymph! Are you- WAH!” the feeling of weightlessness hit him again as he flew into the air, familiar golden strings wrapped around him, encasing him in a net.

“SHIT! TUBBO! YOUR _STUPID_ FUCKING TRAP! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!”

The only response he received was his voice echoing back at him and the quiet rustle of the leaves.

“HELLO! IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE?! HELLO?! HEY! CUT ME DOWN! TUBBO! NYMPH! DON'T YOU DARE FUCKING END THE CHAPTER HERE! HEEEELLLPPP!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Please let me know if there's anything you'd like to see Tommy and the rest of the crew back home doing together, I'm always open to suggestions!


	2. So I learnt about the furry's parentage...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to Maaiams on here because they made a comment on the original series asking about Fundy's shapeshifting abilities, and while I did plan on writing something like this in the future, I definitely wouldn't have churned it out as quickly as I did without them mentioning it in passing so Maaiams, this one's for you!
> 
> \---------
> 
> Godly parents for this chapter:
> 
> Tommy - Hermes  
> Fundy - Dionysus  
> Tubbo - Hephaestus  
> Eret - Hephaestus

“So Fundy,” Tommy asked in between bites of his sandwich “tell me, how does it work exactly?” 

Fundy hesitated, swallowing a bite of his sandwich, he turned to Tommy, gods knowing what sort of bullshit he’d be getting into today. “How does _what_ work?” He could already feel his ears twitching in irritation.

“Oh YOU _know_!” he cried, gesturing vaguely at the cosplaying fox man, “YOU!”

“Me?”

“YES, you!”

“You know I was wondering that myself,” Tubbo piped in, putting his sandwich down, “your whole _thing_.”

“My _thing_?”

“Oh COME ON fur boy!” Tommy slammed his fist on the lunch table, “There’s only _so_ many things that differentiate you from others, aren’t you smart enough to figure it out?!” 

“Are you asking about the _fox_ thing?”

“Pff, don’t be _stupid_ , of COURSE it’s not the _fox thing_ I was just wondering about — YES I’M ASKING ABOUT THE FOX THING ARE YOU FUCKING _STUPID_ WHAT ELSE WOULD IT BE?!”

“Oh I don’t know maybe that cool contraption Tubbo and I have been working on, you know the one, right Tubbo?”

The boy's eyes lit up in excitement, “Oh, yes! Tommy I _have_ to tell you about it, it—!”

“Not _now_ Tubbo can’t you see that he’s trying to change the subject?!” Tommy interjected, “This is now an official INTERROGATION, fur _bitch,_ ” he spat as he slammed his fist on the table again and stood up, “tell us EVERYTHING YOU KNOW!”

“Hey Tommy,” Tubbo whispered, tugging at Tommy’s sleeve and pulling him down so they could converse quietly, “if this is an interrogation then who’s good cop and who’s bad cop?”

“Tubbo, _I'm_ the bad cop, obviously,” he whispered back, rolling his eyes.

“Awww, _I_ wanted to be the bad cop! You _always_ get to be the bad cop!”

“You can be the bad cop _next_ time, okay! This is urgent!”

“You said that last time though! And the time before that, and the time before that, and the time before— there were a lot of times, Tommy!”

“Next time _I promise_ , okay?”

“C’mooon, _pleeassee_ ,” he begged, clasping his hands together in a silent plea.

Tommy hesitated for a second, his eyes darting to the smug furry sitting across from them, “Ugh, _fine_ ,” he huffed.

“ _Yes!_ Thank you! I won’t let you down!”

“I know you won’t, Tubbo.”

Straightening their posture, they both turned back to Fundy, crossing their arms in unison.

“Now Fundy, let’s be civilized here, alright?” began Tommy, “We just want to know something _very_ simple, it doesn’t need to get messy—”

“TELL US EVERYTHING YOU KNOW RIGHT NOW YOU FOX BITCH!” Tubbo shouted, leaping to top of the table and stomping his foot onto Fundy’s plate as he pulled a giant gleaming sword out of gods know where and pointed it directly at him, “I SWEAR TO GODS, I’LL SLICE YOUR THROAT!”

The rest of the Hephaestus table gave a collective groan as they scooted away from the screaming toddlers and the cosplaying furry, “Somebody get Eret,” one of them mumbled.

“TUBBO WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Tommy screeched, grabbing his hair in exasperation.

“I’m being the bad cop!” he replied matter—of—factly.

“My _LUNCH_!” Fundy wailed, swatting at the foot that was turning his sandwich into a flatbread.

“Oh, sorry,” Tubbo apologized, stepping off the mangled remains of a once tasty sandwich.

“I didn’t even get to _finish_!” Tommy cried out, ignoring the furry’s distress.

“Yeah well a _bad cop_ wouldn’t LET the good cop finish, duh—”

“Tubbo, we agreed on no weapons at the lunch table,” a deep voice cut into the conversation as a large hand was placed on Tubbo’s shoulder, causing both him and Tommy to flinch.

“ _Zeus_ can you PLEASE give a fucking _warning_ before you CREEP UP ON US LIKE THAT?!” cried Tommy, placing a hand on his chest, “ Y ou nearly gave me a HEART ATTACK with your— ‘oh look at me, I’m Eret, I have a deep voice and I sound very cool and epic and _manly_ , I’m gonna make Tommy _shit himself_ for _fun_ .’” Eret, of course, responded to the accusations with a deep chuckle, probably out of _shame_ and— and _guilt_ , yeah, that was it.

“Sorry Eret,” Tubbo replied sheepishly, putting the sword back into the ether or wherever the hell it was he stored his arsenal of weapons and strange contraptions, “I forgot. Tommy and I were just interrogating Fundy about his fox thing! I got to be the bad cop this time so I wanted to go all out!”

“That’s not very nice you guys,” Eret scolded, taking a seat beside them, “if he doesn’t want to talk about it then you shouldn’t try to _force_ him to do it—”

“Thank you Eret,” Fundy sighed.

“But I’m _also_ pretty curious so please, continue,” he shot the scowling man across from him a toothy smile, and if there were any eyes behind his tinted sunglasses, they’d definitely be having a mischievous glint in them right about now.

“Haha! You heard the big man, _furry bitch_!” Tommy laughed triumphantly, “ANSWER OUR QUESTIONS!”

“Tommy _I’m_ supposed to be the bad cop!” Tubbo whispered to him.

“Oh, right” he whispered back, “ANSWER OUR QUESTIONS and also you are NOT a bitch!”

Tubbo nodded, “better.”

Fundy hesitated, before shrugging, “Eh, fuck it, your loss.”

“What do you _mean_ ‘our loss’ WE WON!” Tommy declared.

“ _Yeah_ , sure you did,” he snorted, “Anyways, I’m sure you’re all well acquainted with my dear father?” he gestured towards Mr. D who was sitting at the head of a table with Mr. Chiron, “He’s a man of—” Mr. D belched and Fundy wrinkled his nose, “— _high_ stature and regality. One of the twelve olympians and well revered in his…” Fundy trailed off as Mr. D attempted to reach his can of diet coke without actually moving. The struggle lasted for a painful minute before he ultimately gave up on it and conjured up a new one in his hand. “In his craft…”

Tommy snorted and Tubbo coughed beside him to mask a laugh of his own, both straightening as Fundy turned back to them and sighed, “I should move on now,” he reasoned, and the other three nodded in agreement.

“So before he was exiled and sent here my father liked to party a lot, tons, he’s literally the _god_ of parties, and sometimes those uh….those parties got a little wild, and, well, there weren’t any available nymphs and stuff at this one particular party where he got really really drunk _again_ so uh, you know, what I’m trying to say is there weren’t any _women_ there, you see?”

“Ah yes, gay rights,” Eret said solemnly, Tommy and Tubbo nodding along.

“What? No! I MEAN YES! _Yes_ that but no, not what you’re thinking. _Zeus,_ alright, there weren’t any _women_ there but uh, there was...there was one thing they _did_ have, a—and you know how the gods can _shapeshift_ ….” he trailed off, his tail flicking around behind him.

Tommy’s eyes widened in realization, “Uh, Fundy,” he stammered, “I— pff— I don’t think I—I’m understanding you correctly here.”

“You’re understanding me perfectly fine Tommy.”

“mMMMM _NO_ I—I really don’t think I am, I think I need you to uh— to explain it to us,”

“Yeah I’m a little bit lost here,” Tubbo chimed in.

Fundy pursed his lips in irritation and glanced at Eret for help, the man simply held his hands up in surrender before gesturing for him to go on.

He sighed, “Mr. D fucked a fox.”

The entire table exploded in grossed out cries.

“PAHA! WHY WOULD YOU _SAY_ IT LIKE THAT?!” Tommy screeched, his eyes beginning to tear up in disbelief, disgust and laughter, “WHY WOULD YOU _SAY IT LIKE THAT_?!”

“How else did you want me to say it, Tommy?!” Fundy slammed his fist on the table, “You asked for it! This was what you were looking for!”

“Why would he even _do_ that?!” Tubbo asked, his face contorted into a horrified expression, “They’re all fuzzy and they move around fast and I— I don’t want to talk about this.”

“AGREED,” Tommy yelled, “Fundy why the _fuck_ would you even tell us that story that is— that’s fucked up. You’re a fucked up man you _furry_ you—”

“Okay while that _was_ uncomfortable,” Eret said, cutting off Tommy’s rant before it could exceed the character limit, “it didn’t really explain that much.”

“I actually think it explained _too_ much,” Tubbo muttered, pushing away his unfinished lunch, “Did the fox get therapy?”

“My mother is _fine_ thank you, and _she_ has a name, it’s _Flora_.”

“F—flora the fox?” Tommy stifled a giggle. 

“ _Yes._ And it was her decision as a rational, consenting adult to do whatever she pleased, she does not need you to defend her just because she’s not human. Is there a problem with that?” Fundy raised his eyebrow in a challenge, his ears lying flat against his head.

“Y—!”

“NO! No there _isn’t_!” Tommy chuckled, slamming a hand against Tubbos mouth as he snuck nervous glances in Mr. D’s direction, “we all have a lot of respect for your mum, Fundy, I bet she doesn’t even uh...have...rabies…”

The entire table went silent.

“Please don’t tell on me to your dad.”

“I won’t but only because repeating that sentence would embarrass me more than the punishment will hurt you so it’s not worth it.”

“Thank you.”

“Uh, anyways,” Eret cleared his throat, “‘Mr. D fucked a fox’ doesn’t exactly explain why...you. We need a little bit more detail.”

Fundy sighed again, “Okay so when a fox and a very drunk shape shifting god love each other very much—”

“Not _that_ much detail,” Eret cringed.

“I’m just kidding, jeez, okay so I think what you’re all _trying_ to ask about and are _failing_ at is the shapeshifting part, basically when _it_ happened, they were both foxes so naturally I should’ve come out as a fox, right? But since father is a god he wasn’t _exactly_ a whole fox so I sort of came out, like, three quarters fox.”

“This is not how I remember the punnet squares unit going _at all_ ,” Tubbo mumbled.

“So father sort of blessed me, I mean he calls it a blessing but I had to end up being here with all of you answering these stupid questions so… debatable, but he blessed me with the shapeshifting ability so that I wouldn’t come out as some horrifying amalgamate and end up as another weird greek myth. Unfortunately for me, he is a _huge_ anime nerd, so the _results_ of his gift are that I end up looking like _THIS_ !” He waved his arms up and down his body, gesturing from the ears to the tail to the Jotaro cosplay, “and he said I should be _thankful_ that he’s not just letting me shift back and forth naked like he has to! I’d _rather_ be naked then have to wear this EVERY FUCKING TIME I CHANGE BACK!”

“We’d rather you not,” Eret remarked

“Wait, wait, so you’re telling me that you _aren’t_ choosing to shift back wearing a jojo outfit?” Tommy asked incredulously.

“LOOK AT ME TOMMY DO I LOOK LIKE I NEED MORE ATTENTION ON MYSELF?! I ALREADY GET ASKED EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE IF I KNOW ANY CATGIRLS! Why the _fuck_ would I CHOOSE to look like even more of a fucked up Netflix live action anime remake character? Why?”

“Dude, the entire camp thinks that you dress like this for fun,” Eret chuckled.

“THEY— THIS THING IS SWEATY AND BULKY WHY WOULD I CHOOSE TO WEAR THIS IN THE _SUMMER_! I just keep it on because there’s no point in changing since if I shift back to fox then the clothes will just disappear.” he groaned, slumping down onto the table and running his hands through his hair/fur/whatever it is, “next thing you're gonna tell me is that everyone thinks I can also shift into a full human but choose to stay anthro.”

The three other table members went silent.

“Can you not?” Tubbo asked quietly.

“Oh you have got to be _fucking_ with me. No I _cannot_ I’m more fox than human so I have to retain some of those traits when I shift— did this entire fucking camp just think I was some guy who could choose to look normal or like a weeaboos wet dream and specifically _chose_ the weeb route?”

“Pretty much,” Eret nodded.

“I can never live this down, I’m never switching out of fox form again,” Fundy declared.

“Wilbur would be delighted to hear that,” Eret snickered, making the fox man groan again.

“I just can’t fucking win, can I?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! If there's anything you'd like to see Tommy and the rest of the crew back home get up to in this au, drop a suggestion in the comments! I'm always open to them!


	3. Skeret (part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have so many SO MANY fucking prompts to work on for the oneshot series, and then I open twitter and all my plans go to shit. 
> 
> I'm really sorry for the late update guys but I noticed that the oneshot was becoming WAY to long to be considered a oneshot anymore so I'm posting it in 2-3 different parts so they'll be easier to consume! Parts two and three should be released sometime this week so look out for that!
> 
> I know I said this oneshot series wouldn't have shipping but I THINK you guys can make an exception for me this one time. If you couldn't tell what this was already based on the title.... enjoy.
> 
> This will be really confusing for anyone who doesn't have twitter or hasn't seen some of the recent Eret lives.
> 
> More updates in the end notes.
> 
> Parentage for this chapter:
> 
> Tubbo- Hephaestus  
> Eret- Hephaestus  
> F1nn5ter- Aphrodite  
> Fundy- Dionysus  
> Tommy- Hermes
> 
> im so fucking sorry for this

“Hello Chiron! We’re here to restock the first aid kit for the forge!” Tubbo chirped as he and Eret stepped into the Big House’s office.

“Oh? Is it already empty again?” Chiron asked, raising an eyebrow without taking his eyes off the many papers that littered his desk.

“It’s Tommy,” Eret responded plainly as he opened a tall cabinet located beside the desk.

“Say no more,” Chiron nodded, huffing as he scribbled away at the forms.

“What’s wrong?” Tubbo asked, peeking over his shoulder, “Oh! Those are many words.”

“Yes, they  _ are _ many words, it seems that the potato business isn’t faring too well for us, unfortunately,” he sighed, flipping between two more pages as he shifted uncomfortably in his wheelchair.

“Oh no! Is there anything we can do to help?”

“I’m afraid not, my boy, but do not trouble yourself over it. The director and I will take care of the problem on our own, this is not the first time we’ve faced such a predicament,” Chiron assured, turning to him with a warm smile.

“Awww, but I’m  _ sure _ there’s something we can do—!”

“We got what we came for, let’s go Tubbo,” Eret cut him off, placing a hand on his shoulder as he guided him out the door, “Thank you Chiron!”

“It’s not a problem, my boy, tell TommyInnit to watch himself.”

“I will.” Eret chuckled as they closed the door shut behind them.

They walked in silence on their way to the forge, the gears in Tubbo’s head turning as he began formulating his plan.

“What are you thinking about, Tubbo?” Eret asked, noticing the contemplative look on the boy’s face.

“I  _ really _ want to help the camp with the potato fields,” he responded, still deep in thought, “I know Chiron said that I shouldn’t worry about it but— Oh! I’ve got it!” he cried out in excitement, stopping in his footsteps, “Eret! We should build a machine that could be like a— like an AD! An ad for the potato fields!” He ran to catch up with Eret, who had continued his walk to the forge, “Our place doesn’t even have any social media, of  _ course _ we aren’t doing well! That’s where everything is! We need an ad robot— an ADBOT! Wait— no that’s not it, just a robot that could be like a salesperson, but it doesn’t need sleep or to get paid. It’ll be everything a capitalist could ask for!”

Eret snorted, “It  _ sounds _ like a good plan, but I’m not sure Mr. D or Chiron would be too happy knowing that we’re trying to get involved in their business without their permission.”

“We could make a prototype first! One that promotes, uh...something else!”

“Like what?”

“Oh. I don’t know… Hey look! There’s F1nn5ter! I should go ask  _ him _ ! He  _ has _ to know what people like, right?” Tubbo asked, pointing towards a figure surrounded by an entourage of starstruck demigods.

“Seems like it,” Eret nodded, “Go talk to him, I’m sure he’ll be happy to help.”

“Right, HEY F1NN5TER!” Tubbo called, waving to the other man, as he sprinted away from Eret and towards the sea of simps.

F1nn5ter turned around with a dazzling smile at the sound of his name, quirking his eyebrows as he noticed the child, “Hello?”

“F1nn5ter you know what people like, right?”

F1nn5ter glanced at the crowd of admirers behind him and then back at Tubbo, “I  _ think _ so,” he chuckled, “Why, need some help getting somebody’s attention?”

“No no!” He shook his head, “I need to know what people like for a…. project! I need to test something out. Just tell me what people like, it can be  _ anything! _ A food, a game, a— Oh! A candy! What candy do you like, F1nn5ter?!”

F1nn glanced nervously at the simps behind him, knowing that whatever he said would be sent to him in care packages and love letters for the next year, “Um, I like Skittles, those are pretty good?” 

The sound of a thousand pens scribbling down this new information filled him with a sense of dread as he realized that he would no longer like Skittles after this ordeal was over and done with, “Is that a good answer?”

“Yes! Thank you!” Tubbo nodded excitedly, “I’m gonna go work on that project right  _ now _ , bye!” with a wave, he dashed back to the forge, filled with renewed vigor as he began to arrange the blueprints for the machine in his head.

“Eret it’s Skittles!” Tubbo cried as he burst into the forge, “We’ll make a Skittles salesperson machine to test out how our ads are going to work!”

“ _ We, _ huh?” Eret chuckled.

“I— I mean if you  _ want  _ to I just—”

“I’m just kidding, of course we’ll make it together!” He assured him, “We could ask Fundy for help as well?”

“Nah, Fundy is out trying to make nature even  _ more _ difficult to navigate with his leaf powers or something,” Tubbo replied, “He had me try his experiment where the ground wouldn’t let me move unless I  _ talked  _ to it the other day! It was  _ weird _ , the grass was  _ listening,  _ Eret.”

“Okay, so just us then,” Eret shivered, trying not to think about the hellish ways the fox man was altering the environment, “So tell me the plan!”

Tubbo’s eyes lit up in excitement, and then he was off, rambling about the different features that could be implemented to the machine as Eret jotted the information down onto the messy beginnings of a blueprint. Tubbo gestured wildly with his arms as he described the construction, cosmetics and designs, with Eret occasionally chiming in to suggest an alternative, and before they knew it the parts were laid out before them and the construction began. As the day dragged on, the pieces started to slowly resemble the shape of their automaton salesperson, and by the time the sun had finally set over the horizon and stars began dotting the sky, the project was complete.

“Okay! Now I just need to tell them what to say!” Tubbo cheered, still bubbling with as much excitement as he had at the start of the day.

Eret huffed and wiped the sweat of his brow, grimacing at the clock on the wall as he noticed that both of them had skipped lunch in favor of getting the machine done. How they managed to complete the contraption in one day was beyond him, but it’s not like they haven’t done crazier things in a shorter span of time, “Alright Tubbo, one test and then we  _ have _ to go to dinner. It’s not healthy to be working like this, you know.”

“Awww, okay, fine!” he twisted a few gears and flipped a couple of switches on the back panel of the machine and it whirred to life, the bulbs in its eyes flickering before hitting Eret dead on.

“We should definitely lower the light intensity, if I had eyes that would’ve hurt,” Eret noted.

Tubbo nodded and took a step back, bouncing excitedly as the jaws of the machine snapped open and a scratchy voice rasped, “Skittles is Pog. Did we use it right?”

“AH, YES!” Tubbo cheered pumping his fist into the air, “It even used the  _ brand _ personality I gave it! Eret it works! We made a Skittles ad robot in one—!”

The machine suddenly creaked as smoke began to pour out of the unhinged jaw, sparks flying from the open control panel in the back. A gear popped out and the automaton doubled over, collapsing to the ground as its eyes flickered shut.

Tubbo and Eret stared at their handiwork in stunned silence as it continued coughing and spluttering on the ground, oil leaking out the side before it finally went dead. Tubbo scrunched his brows in frustration, turning back to the blueprints to try and figure out where they went wrong.

“I-it’s not a big deal,” he assured himself with an encouraging smile, “We can totally fix it! Hey Eret, hand me that screwdriver-!”

“Oh no you don’t, we’re going to eat dinner now, we can come back to Skittles tomorrow, okay?”

“But we’re so close!”

“So that means there’s no rush. We’ll finish it tomorrow, okay? I promise.” Eret smiled and patted him on the back.

“Awwww,” Tubbo gave a final look towards the Skittles salesrobot on the ground before sighing, “ _ fine _ ... but it’ll be the first thing tomorrow morning, right?”

“First thing,” Eret nodded, “You go ahead to the mess hall, I’m just gonna lock up here, okay?”.

Tubbo nodded and wiped his hands on a rag before undoing the strings of his work apron, hanging it up on a green peg right near the exit. As the door shut behind Tubbo, Eret turned to give the contraption a remorseful look, the human shape making it seem more like a dead body than a failed project, though both would be equally depressing at this point. He sighed and lifted it off the ground, seating it on an old wooden chair as he went to grab a tarp.

“There you go,” he whispered as he tucked the tarp over its shoulders like a blanket, “It’s a shame you didn’t work out, you really are a beauty. I’m sure we’ll have you all fixed up tomorrow morning, though.”

He smiled at the contraption and patted it on the shoulder as it stared blankly at the wall ahead of it. Shaking his head, he took the keys to the forge out of his apron pocket before hanging it up beside Tubbo’s and locking the doors tightly behind him.

When he finally arrived at the mess hall, the dinner line spanned half the pavilion, all the latecomers crowding for the final remains of the meal. He sighed, resigning himself to half an hour of waiting when Tubbo called out to him from the Hephaestus table.

“Eret come over! Fundy saved us spots  _ and _ plates!”

“Wh—! IT WAS  _ MY _ IDEA!” a shrill, indignant voice shouted, “Stop crediting the  _ furry _ for MY plans,  _ I _ was the one who told him to save them for you! ME! TOMMYINNIT SAID TO!”

“Like,  _ I’d  _ ever listen to a child,” Fundy snorted as Eret sidled up beside him.

“WHY YOU—!” Tommy lunged at the smirking fox man across from him, only being stopped by Tubbo grabbing the back of his shirt, “DON’T LISTEN TO A WORD HE SAYS  _ I’M  _ THE ONE WHO SAID TO SAVE IT AND HE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING EXCEPT TAKE CREDIT FOR MY VERY GENEROUS AND THOUGHTFUL IDEA!”

“It _was_ very thoughtful of you,” Tubbo assured him, pulling him back down to the bench, “I’m sorry, I appreciate it.”

“Yeah,  _ that’s _ more like it,” Tommy sniffed, crossing his arms, “I can’t believe you tried to credit the furry with  _ my _ ideas.”

“He still went out and got the plates, didn’t he?” Tubbo asked, moving a forkful of food towards his mouth and frowning as Tommy threw his hands up in indignance, hitting the utensil out of his hand and into an unsuspecting campers face.

“It doesn’t MATTER who went out to get it,  _ does it?  _ What happened to ‘it’s the thought that counts’ HUH? What happened to THAT?”

“I’m going to go burn an offering,” Eret whispered to Fundy, not wanting to interrupt Tommy’s rant. 

Fundy nodded and waved him off, resting his chin in his hands as he settled down for an hour of useless but oh so entertaining banter. Eret rose from his seat and took his plate to the center of the mess hall, staring at the fire as the dancing flames reflected onto his tinted lenses. He glanced down at the dinner and grimaced as his stomach growled painfully.

Nobody  _ really  _ asks their parents for anything with the offerings, right? Even if they did, it's not like they'd listen anyways…

He sucked in a deep breath and scraped half of his dinner into the fire, the flames roared as they consumed the meal.

"Please," he whispered, "allow this machine to work properly, don't let our hard work go to waste... Help it fulfill its purpose as best as you can."

The smoke from the bonfire swirled into the sky, the shapes dancing alongside the stars as they carried the offerings and prayers to the gods above.

Aphrodite smiled happily as the smell of a sacrifice hit her senses, masking the otherwise putrid odor of machine oil and sweat that permeated the air of her husband's forge.

_ "Please" _ a prayer echoed through the room,  _ "allow this machine to work properly, don't let our hard work go to waste... Help it fulfill its purpose as best as you can." _

She glanced at her husband, who simply swiped his brow with a dirty rag and continued clanging away at his work.

"Darling?" She asked, pouring as much sweetness into her voice as she could muster for the hideous man, "Aren't you going to get that? It seems as though your son is in need of some sort of assistance."

"Huh? Oh. Nah," he waved her off and brought his hammer down on the metal again, "They can handle it themselves, it's not worth the effort."

"Oh come now  _ darling _ I'm sure you can spare just a bit of your time for you children?" She drawled, draping herself over his work table, "They were working  _ so  _ hard today! You know one of them even approached  _ my _ son today for help on a 'project'! I simply  _ had  _ to see what they were up to, they were such a  _ sweetheart _ !"

"If you wanna help 'em out so bad you can go right ahead, I won't stop you." He huffed.

"Tch,  _ fine _ , maybe I  _ will _ !" She pouted, folding her arms across her chest. 

After five minutes of silent clanging, it became painfully obvious that her attempts at getting her way were not working. She sighed and glanced down at the demigods again, smiling warmly as the handsome owner of the prayer chuckled and sat down beside his little friends.

"Are you  _ sure _ these children are  _ yours _ darling? They're far too adorable to have come from  _ you _ ."

Hephaestus ignored the jab, though it clearly bothered him as his hammer was brought down with far too much force on the piece, causing the metal beneath it to snap in half.

Aphrodite smiled triumphantly to herself and turned back to the demigod, reviewing his prayer over in her head. She wasn't quite sure what he had meant by 'fulfil its purpose' since she wasn't exactly paying attention to what the project was  _ actually _ about once she found out it wasn't love related, but she was sure she could think of  _ something _ . She wracked her brain for details and sure enough, it supplied her with the most straightforward answer she could have possibly asked for.

_ “There you go,” he whispered as he tucked the tarp over its shoulders like a blanket, “It’s a shame you didn’t work out, you really are a beauty. I’m sure we’ll have you all fixed up tomorrow morning, though.” _

_ He smiled at the contraption and patted it on the shoulder as it stared blankly at the wall ahead of it. _

" _ Oh. _ " She gasped softly, bringing her hand to her lips, "Oh how  _ adorable _ !" Aphrodite cried, leaping to her feet and twirling in excitement, "It's just like that sculptor and his statue lover! No  _ wonder _ I came here tonight, it must've been the work of the fates! I'm so glad you didn't answer him, darling, this is a job for  _ my _ area of expertise!"

"Whatever you say, honey," he sighed.

"DON'T call me that." she hissed, her jubilations coming to a screeching halt.

"Sorry," he grumbled, banging away at a new piece of metal.

She glared at the man for another second before quickly leaping back into her excitement, "Oh I know  _ exactly  _ how this will go! It's going to be  _ so  _ romantic!"

She leaned over to touch the earth below with her hand, reaching into the forge where the machine in question lay lifelessly, the tarp lovingly tucking it into a comfortable position despite the fact that it could not appreciate the sentiment.

"Ooh! That won't be the case for long though!" She sang, her fingers flitted over the machine's surface, slowly breathing life into the still automaton.

Blinding pink lights shone from within the machine, the glow washing over the darkened forge and pouring out of the windows, illuminating the surrounding area. As the lights slowly faded away, the tarp slid off the figure’s body, revealing Aphrodite’s handiwork.

“Oh, darling, you look  _ perfect _ ! I’m certain he’ll absolutely love you!” she exclaimed, kissing its forehead lightly, “Sweet dreams now, darling, you have a long day ahead of you tomorrow!” And with that she disappeared in a cloud of white smoke, leaving behind the faint scent of roses and caramel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Let me know if there's anything specific you'd like to see from this au and i'll try to incorporate it into a oneshot! 
> 
> Just wanted to give you a small update on the main series and this series, upload dates have been changed from Thursdays and Fridays to Saturdays and Sundays so we can continue working through our school schedules! Additionally, this week may be slow in terms of updates as we are assimilating into our school schedules, but don't worry! This series is still continuing!
> 
> Thank you so much for all the support and getting our main series to 10k hits! You guys mean the world to us.


	4. Skeret (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 of this....abomination.
> 
> If the dialogue feels a bit off when Skittles shows up then I'm SORRY I was trying to incorporate their twitter conversations as smoothly as I could but they were so fucking obscure my job is so difficult, I didn't _choose_ this, why do they make it so hard?
> 
> Also if you guys wanna shoot me some creative titles for these chapter names so it's not just Skeret 1 Skeret 2 throw em at me! Part 3 should be out some time this week (judging by how it's going we might also need a part four) stay tuned!
> 
> Parentage in this chapter:
> 
> Tubbo- Hephaestus  
> Eret- Hephaestus  
> Fundy- Dionysus  
> Tommy- Hermes

The next morning, Eret and Tubbo made their way to the forge, after a restless night of anticipation for the ad automaton’s completion.

“Make sure to put your apron on before you get started, alright?” Eret reminded Tubbo as he fiddled with the keys to the forge.

“Don’t worry, I  _ never _ forget! I was thinking about Skittles  _ all _ night and I think I know exactly where we made our mistake!”

“That’s great, Tubbo.” Eret smiled, swinging the door open as the automatic lights flickered on.

Ducking under Eret’s hand, Tubbo darted into the room ahead of him, snatching the apron off the wall and tying it to his waist haphazardly, “It’s not too big of a change,” he assured him, “we can finish it in less than an hour! Where’d you leave Skittles last night?”

“Over there, it’s right under the tarp,” Eret replied, nodding his head in the direction of the chair.

Tubbo ripped the tarp away excitedly only to reveal a completely empty seat, not a single piece of free advertisement for a multi-billion dollar company in sight. The smile fell from his face and his arms dropped to his side in disappointment, “Eret, I think I either accidentally learnt a really cool magic trick or Skittles is gone.”

“What do you mean by that?” Eret asked, coming up beside him as he finished fastening his apron behind his back.

“Look!” Tubbo exclaimed, gesturing to the empty seat.

“Huh, that  _ is  _ strange,” Eret quirked his eyebrows, “It  _ should  _ be here, that’s where I left it last night right before locking up—”

“GUYS you will not BELIEVE what happened just now!” a voice cut in, causing both of them to snap their heads in its direction.

“TOMMY! Did  _ you _ do this?!” Tubbo exclaimed, gesturing to the empty seat.

“No, Tubbo, the camp  _ bought _ that chair from IKEA,” Tommy rolled his eyes, “I could  _ totally  _ build one if I wanted to though, I’m very manly, but that’s  _ not  _ the POINT!”

“Well what  _ is _ the point then?”

“I went outside and saw a GIRL!” he cried, puffing his chest out in pride.

“No that was just Jack Manifold,” Tubbo replied without missing a beat, “it does get confusing I see why you missaw.”

“Ah.” Tommy’s shoulders slumped down dejectedly.

“Damn right ‘ah’,” he snickered, throwing the tarp back onto the empty chair.

“Did you see Skittles, though?” somebody asked from behind them, causing Eret and Tubbo to flinch.

“What the FUCK?!” Tommy screeched, throwing himself behind Tubbo and clinging to his arm, “ _ Who said that?! _ ”

They all turned to look at the far corner of the room where the perpetrator stood, leaning against a workbench. 

“Oh my gods,” Eret whispered, bringing his hand to his mouth.

If the red denim jeans, red sneakers and rainbow hair weren’t a good enough indicator of who this newcomer was, then the giant logo on their hoodie proudly proclaiming them as Skittles® definitely did.

“Me!” they smiled, “So  _ did _ you see Skittles?”

“What the  _ fuck _ ?” Tommy hissed, tightening his grip on Tubbo’s arm.

“I don’t—” Tubbo began.

“Skittles, that doesn't make sense,” Eret chuckled, cutting him off.

Tommy snapped his head and narrowed his eyes at the man’s direction, “ _ That’s _ what’s bothering you about all this?!” he cried, “Who the FUCK is THAT?!”

“I— I think that’s our robot.” Tubbo stuttered.

“Wh—! That’s a REAL HUMAN PERSON!” Tommy spluttered, “You can’t  _ build _ THAT! WHAT METAL LOOKS LIKE  _ SKIN?! _ ”

“Well,  _ any _ metal if you paint it good enough, but yeah I also don’t remember Skittles looking this...fleshy when we left them here yesterday…..” he trailed off and glanced at Eret, who had locked eyes— er — glasses and  _ for some reason _ real eyes with Skittles.

“It looks like dad finally came through on something,” Eret grinned, his lenses shining, as Skittles walked towards him and took his hands in their own. 

His smile wavered slightly as he felt the warmth of a living being against his skin. He quirked his eyebrows and glanced down at the rainbow painted fingernails as they traced small patterns on the back of his hand, “How—?”

“Oh Eret,” Skittles laughed softly, cutting him off, “everything I say  _ always _ makes sense, you know this.”

Eret paused, looking back up at the smiling definitely-human Skittles personification.

_ What the fuck did dad do? _ He thought, suppressing a laugh,  _ Maybe I should've been more clear on what I needed. _

"Uh, I hate to say this, but I think we may have to agree to disagree on that,” He replied with a chuckle, deciding to play along with the act as he ran his fingers over their knuckles and brought them to his lips for a soft kiss.

“I'm confused, is this flerting?" Tubbo whispered to Tommy as the two slowly inched away from the strange couple.

"I don't mind the disagreement so long as we agree that _ I _ am right," Skittles replied, raising an eyebrow as they battled against the blush rising to their cheeks.

"I'm not sure," Tommy whispered back to him.

"Skittles, you're not making sense again, agreeing and disagreeing at the same time would create a paradox!"

"Let's just agree that I am always right and then we won't have to disagree on whether or not I'm right!" Skittles smiled, caressing Erets cheek affectionately, though the tone of their voice held an air of warning to it.

"I'm sorry Skittles but I cannot agree to that...I guess…. what we had… it was never meant to be…" Eret trailed off, suppressing a snicker as he turned away from Skittles.

"What the  _ fuck _ is this?" Tommy hissed, reaching for the door handle.

"A-are we breaking up?" Skittles stuttered, their voice cracking as tears welling up in their eyes. They grabbed Erets wrist, pulling him back towards them, "After everything we said to each other? After Paris?"

"Skittles, Paris will always be a shining memory for me," he said, taking their hands in his, "it's been amazing but—"

"Okay, yeah, this is deffo flerting this is deffo flerting this is deffo flerting let's get out of here," Tubbo whispered frantically, pushing himself and Tommy out of the forge and slamming the door shut behind them.

Eret glanced at the door and let out a small chuckle as he realized how far the charade had gone. He let go of Skittles’s hands and made to pat them on the back when they suddenly threw themselves at him.

"It HAS been amazing! You can't throw it all away over a simple disagreement!" They cried, burying their face in his shoulder, "What we have is  _ special, _ Eret, can't you see?" They sobbed, staining his shirt with their tears, "I-I  _ won't _ let you walk away from us."

Eret patted them on the back awkwardly and gulped, "Uh, Skittles, it's been funny but we've definitely scared away Tommy and Tubbo with this whole thing, let's go apologize to them and figure out what we do with you from there."

Skittles pulled away from the hug and stared at Eret with big, watery eyes, "O-oh, you were only kidding?" They sniffled, wiping their tears away with their arm, "O-of course you were! You wouldn't do that to me, we've been together for too long, I know you!"

"Ah, we have? You do?" He stuttered.

"Don't be silly, Eret, that's enough jokes for today," Skittles chuckled, placing their hands on Erets cheeks, "You don't know how  _ relieved _ I am to hear that it was all a funny joke for the kids!"

"Y-yeah, for the kids," he laughed nervously, "You're getting  _ pretty _ close there, you know."

"I know.." they whispered, their face slowly inching towards Eret's, red eyes meeting tinted lenses as their lips moved closer and closer and—

"NO WAIT DON'T GO IN THERE!" Tommy screeched as the door to the forge burst open.

"THERE'S SOME MAJOR FLERTING GOING ON ON THERE AND IT IS CRINGE!" Tubbo added.

The pair froze in place, Skittles shooting an irritated glare at the door as Eret sighed in relief.

"C'mon guys, everyone's got stuff to get done in here today, it can't be  _ that _ ba— oh." A certain anime furry paused in his tracks as he spotted the two, "nevermind."

"Oh my GODS WHAT THE  _ FUCK _ IS HAPPENING?!" Tommy yelled in horror, covering his and Tubbos eyes with his hands, "Look AWAY Tubbo!"

"It's called a  _ relationship, _ Tommy, not that you'd know," Fundy rolled his eyes as Tommy gave an indignant shout, "although, I didn't know you had someone Eret, why didn't you introduce us before? They are  _ quite _ the catch."

Skittles huffed to mask the small smile rising to their face at the compliment as they pulled away from Eret. They lowered their arms from his face in favor of intertwining their hands in Eret's own, "I'm Skittles," they said, "Eret and I have been together for a very long time, it's very nice to meet one of his friends!"

"Skittles?" Fundy asked, shooting Eret a questioning look, "Like the candy?"

"Exactly! I mean, look at the hoodie, it's got the logo and everything!" They smiled, gesturing to their attire.

"Ah ha," Fundy nodded slowly, "Well, I have no place to talk, I mean look at me," he snickered, glancing down at his own ensemble, "but as  _ interesting _ as all of this is, the lovely couple is clogging up the forge for everyone else."

He glanced at Eret and noticed the silent panic in his glasses, "Uh, maybe you guys can leave from the  _ back _ exit, you’re less likely to run into anyone from there and nobody’ll ask questions except me."

"Yes! That's a great idea!" Eret exclaimed, pulling Skittles to the back of the forge as Fundy tagged along behind them, "We can all hang out together and you two can get to know each other, it'll be great!"

"Uh, I—I think Tubbo and I should come with you too!" Tommy cried, pushing Tubbo towards the exit as the confused crowd that had gathered outside started trickling into the forge.

"Yes! We are also involved!" Tubbo exclaimed, grabbing the back door before Fundy could slam it shut behind him and stumbling out the exit.

“Eret, can I speak to you for a second?” Fundy asked, as the group navigated their way through the potato fields and made for the forest.

“Sure! Hey Skittles, you can talk to Tommy and Tubbo in the meantime since they were so excited to come along just for you!” Eret replied, shooting the two a smile as he and Fundy marched ahead of the group.

“Eret you son of a bitch—  _ HEY _ Skittles!” Tommy cried, waving at the personified candy brand as they slowed their pace to match that of the children, “How— how are you? Today?”

“I’m doing really pog today!” They replied happily as Tommy and Tubbo cringed.

“Oh gods  _ why? _ ” Tubbo hissed.

“Was that not the correct way to use it?” Skittles asked, tilting their head.

“Skittles, just don’t say ‘pog’ at all,  _ please _ , alright?” Tommy huffed, massaging his temples, “That was  _ terrible _ .”

“Tubbo taught me how to say it!”

“ _ TUBBO?! _ ”

“Well I didn’t know THIS would happen!”

“WHY WOULD YOU TEACH YOUR ROBOTS TO SAY ‘POG’ WHAT ARE YOU STUPID WHAT ARE YOU AN  _ IDIOT _ I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU!”

As the sounds of Tommy’s yelling echoed through the field, Fundy turned to Eret, knowing that the screams would certainly prevent anyone from hearing their conversation, “Eret, what the fuck?”

Eret sighed, “Well, in short, Tubbo and I made a Skittles robot salesperson so we can prototype an advertiser bot, it failed, I made an offering for help and then this morning the machine was a person that, for some reason, thinks they’re in a relationship with me.”

“Hold on—  _ thinks _ ? As in, you’re not  _ actually _ in a relationship with them.”

“No, Fundy," Eret huffed, pinching the bridge of his nose, "I didn’t build a Skittles ad robot just to go and fuck it later.” 

“So they’re  _ single _ is what I’m hearing—”

“Did you call me here just to find out if you could make moves on Skittles?”

"Of COURSE not!" Fundy exclaimed, "I’m just kidding (kinda), you looked like you needed some saving back there if we’re being honest, and what kind of friend would I be if I left you there to be kissed by a random hottie?”

“A truly terrible friend.” Eret nodded.

“Exactly! So tell me, what exactly are we doing from here?"

"Well we have to find a way to turn them back to how they were. Do you think your dad could do some kind of... transfiguration magic on them?”

“Pff, father would rather give up alcohol  _ willingly _ than help  _ any _ of you guys, that’s for sure. Besides, do you  _ really _ want him knowing about this fuck up?”

“No I suppose not, Tubbo could end up getting in trouble for it. He was told not to interfere with the whole ‘financial situation’ but butting into business is what he and Tommy do best, they were doomed from the start.”

“That and you don’t wanna seem ungrateful to your dear old dad for his  _ generous  _ gift,” Fundy snorted, “seriously, how bad is your love life that  _ Hephaestus  _ thought he needed to step in and get involved by making your machine fall in love with you?”

“That’s what's been bothering me too!” Eret exclaimed, “He’s not the type to care even if my love life was  _ abysmal _ , he hardly cares about any of us at all! When did he suddenly turn into a matchmaker?”

“Yeah, you’d think he got possessed by his  _ wife _ or something,” He snickered and then paused, glancing at Eret as they both suddenly made the connection.

“Oh no….” Eret muttered.

“Oh my GODS!”

“There’s no way we can get rid of them  _ now _ !” Eret exclaimed, running his hands through his hair, “She’ll go crazy!”

“You’ll have to find a way for Skittles to break up with  _ you _ first! If you do it the other way around Aphrodite will hate you for  _ sure _ !” Fundy cried, “She’ll think you just asked for them so you could break their heart!”

“But how do I do  _ that?! _ Skittles is completely in love with me!”

“Oh man,  _ poor  _ you, really, it’s terrible,” Fundy rolled his eyes, “I’ll trade spots with you if you want.” He offered.

“Sorry Fundy but I don’t think you really pass as me,” Eret said, eyeing the fox man and his attire.

“Not like  _ that _ ,” Fundy huffed, “I meant, like, I’ll seduce the brand for you so you can get out of there!”

“You’d do that for me?”

Fundy glanced over his shoulder at the person in question and then back at Eret, “Oh  _ yeah _ it’s TOTALLY for you! No other reason. At all.”

"But if that  _ does _ end up working what do we do then?  _ You'll _ just end up being stuck in a relationship with them."

"Eret I don't think you understand, I really don't mind—"

"Fundy, you're a great friend but I won't let you do this for me." Eret cut in, stopping in his tracks and placing his hands on Fundy's shoulders.

"It's not for you, buddy." His tail flicked around anxiously as he glanced behind them again, "Trust me."

"No. We'll come up with something else," he put his arms down and continued walking towards the forest, "there  _ has _ to be a better way than one of us being stuck in a relationship we don't want to be in." Eret reasoned, tapping his chin in thought.

"Woah, okay," Fundy held his hands up defensively, "you are making a  _ lot _ of assumptions right now and I do NOT appreciate—"

"Hold on, Skittles is a brand, right?” Eret cut him off, “And they're still aware of that, we saw before when you asked them about their name, they still know that they ARE Skittles." 

"Okay? And?" Fundy fidgeted, his ears twitching in irritation.

"So if they're a brand that means they have rivalries!" Eret exclaimed, "We have to create Skittles's prime rival and have it take them down!"

"What the fuck is Skittles's 'prime rival'?" Fundy grimaced, placing a hand on Erets shoulder, "Listen, I'm  _ really really  _ okay with the whole being in a relationship with them thing, I promise—"

"It's M&M'S!" Eret cut in again, shrugging his hand off without noticing it, "C'mon, everyone knows that, we need to build an M&M'S robot  _ the right way this time _ , and build them strong enough to beat Skittles in a fight!"

"You want to build a robot to beat up your significant other?" Fundy asked, scratching behind his ears, "Are you sure that's the route we want to go here? I am still  _ very _ open to our first scenario, you have no idea."

"No, this is DEFINITELY the best option we have, now we just need to find a way to distract Skittles long enough for us to build the machine."

Fundy's eyes lit up, his tail flicking in excitement, "Hey! I have a great idea! How about a date?! Skittles and I can—!"

"Fundy that's a wonderful idea!" Eret exclaimed, "Tubbo can show you exactly how we built the first machine so it shouldn't be too hard for you to figure it out. I really appreciate it, thank you." He smiled warmly.

"Wait, what?" Fundy's ears dropped, "No, I actually meant—."

"But where can I take them on a date?" Eret interrupted him again, "There's nowhere in this camp that's really secluded enough for a date with them."

" _ I _ actually had a spot in mind but  _ you _ can't even get there," Fundy grumbled, kicking the dirt as his tail drooped sadly.

"Maybe Wilbur can help us out?" Eret thought aloud, "Hey Fundy, can you keep Skittles distracted for a little bit while I ask Wilbur for help?"

"Wait, really!" His ears and tail perked up in excitement, "Sure!"

"Thank you! Tubbo and Tommy look like they've got it for now, so worst case scenario you're just stuck babysitting them."

"Wait, no, can't they go with you?" Fundy pleaded, glancing between the children and Eret.

"I don't think so," Eret shook his head, "Tommy's too loud, if I bring the two of them with me half the camp will know before we even get to Wilbur."

"But—! But—! Ugh, fine, whatever," Fundy huffed, his shoulders sagging, "good luck with Wilbur, I think him and Niki are hanging out near the lake." He pointed in the opposite direction from where they were walking, "I'll...handle the children I guess."

"Thank you Fundy, I really appreciate it!" He grinned, sprinting off towards the lake.

Skittles looked up as he dashed past them and reached out to him, but Tommy grabbed them by the shoulders to continue screaming in their face. Muttering some choice profanities about the situation under his breath, Fundy made his way towards the trio as Erets form receded over the hills and disappeared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! If there's any specific type of oneshot you'd like to see from this au leave a suggestion for me, I'm always open to them.


	5. Skeret (Part 3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be a oneshot. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A ONESHOT. And it's STILL not over. I just can't keep it short and sweet, I always have to make things hard for everyone. I'm sorry. You can expect at _least_ one more chapter out of this mess, i'll try to have it up sometime this week!
> 
> Update: wait nevermind I forgot that school started for me lmfaoo skeret isn't updating this week so I can make time to write for the main series! Sorry about that guys 
> 
> Parentage this chapter:
> 
> Eret- Hephaestus  
> Wilbur- Apollo  
> Niki- Aphrodite  
> Tommy- Hermes  
> Tubbo- Hephaestus  
> Fundy- Dionysus

By the time he finally reached the lake, Eret was completely out of breath. He placed his hands on his knees to gather his bearings as he scanned the area, searching for the son of Apollo. His eyes locked onto a canoe in the middle of the water where two figures sat, one of which was strumming a tune on his guitar, while the other giggled softly at something he said.

"Wilbur! Niki!" He called to them, waving his hands over his head.

The two looked up from the boat, Wilbur waving back as he noticed Eret on shore.

"Ahoy Eret!" He yelled, leaning the guitar across his knees.

Eret chuckled as he sprinted down the hill, coming up to the docks just as Wilbur began rowing towards him.

"Wilbur I believe I am in need of some assistance." Eret said as Wilbur pulled up beside him, throwing the ropes to Niki so she could tie the boat down.

"Well what do you need to be assisted with?" Wilbur asked, holding out his hand so that Eret could lift him onto the dock.

"I—" Eret began, hoisting Wilbur up as he glanced hesitantly at Niki before deciding she was safe, "I kind of have to take someone on a date but—"

"A  _ DATE?! _ " Wilbur exclaimed, clapping his hands together, "Oh I'm so proud! You heard that, Niki!? Eret's got himself a—"

"It needs to be kept very  _ very _ private!" Eret whispered, clapping his hands over Wilburs mouth before the entire camp could be notified of the ordeal.

"Oh, oh yes of course, sorry about that," Wilbur whispered back, taking Erets hands off his mouth, "You hear that Niki?! Eret’s got a fucking date!" He whisper-shouted to the girl who was still tying the boat to the dock.

She nodded enthusiastically and threw them a thumbs up.

"So what did you need help with? You already got the date, right?" Wilbur whispered excitedly, "Wait, who is it with, do I know them?"

"Well, see, that's the problem," Eret said hesitantly, "the person is kind of a secret,  _ that _ ' _ s _ why it needs to be kept private, they don't really...go here."

Wilbur gasped, "Is it somebody from out of camp?! Did you fucking _ leave without permission _ ?!"

"No no, we _met_ here in camp but it's a little complicated.” He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as he recounted the story yet again.

“S-so, let me get this straight,” Wilbur spluttered as Niki pulled herself up beside him, “y-you need  _ our  _ help to set up a secluded date for you and a fucking  _ Skittles _ personification so that the others can build a fucking  _ M&M’S  _ robot to  _ defeat Skittles in combat _ .” He snickered, “And you think this will make Aphrodite  _ less _ mad than if you just fucking break up with them?”

“Mama doesn’t really pay attention to what’s happening unless it involves love or herself,” Niki remarked, “so most likely, yes, she will be less mad at this than a break up because she won’t even know it was set up by him!”

“Wow. Okay then, it looks like we have it all figured out!” Wilbur exclaimed, “Niki, do you know anywhere we can set up a  _ really _ private date for them?”

“Hmm, I think the woods are a pretty good option,” she suggested.

“The woods, perfect!” he clapped his hands together, “Eret, you can go get Skittles, take them on a long ass walk  _ around _ the forest, towards the beach so that you won’t be seen, that’ll buy us enough time to set everything up. One of us will meet you there once we’re ready! How does that sound?”

“Perfect, you guys are amazing, thank you so much.” Eret sighed in relief.

“You’re welcome! This sounds like it will be fun!” Niki exclaimed with a bright smile, “Right, Wil?”

“Oh, for sure!” he nodded with a grin of his own.

Despite his sunglasses and lack of eyes, Eret still had to squint for fear of going blind at the combined power of those smiles.

“You should run back to them now, building a fucking... battle M&M’S robot sounds like it’ll take some time,” Wilbur snickered, pushing Eret back in the direction he came from, “We’ll have everything ready before you can say ‘Aphrodite, make my machines fall in love with me’ again!”

Eret sighed.  _ After all of my accomplishments, I cannot believe  _ this _ is going to be the legacy I carry with me,  _ he thought, running back over the hills and towards the potato fields, where the rest of the crew sat waiting.

“Okay, it’s my turn hmmm….Fundy! You didn’t go yet! Truth or dare?” Tubbo asked.

“Dare.” Fundy declared without hesitation, glancing unsubtly at Skittles who sat beside him in the circle.

“Okay, I dare you to—”

“Kiss Skittles?!” Fundy exclaimed.

“What? No!”

“Oh my GODS I can’t _do_ **that** I have GREAT respect for Eret! BUT rules _are_ rules, we have to follow them I guess,” Fundy shrugged, reaching into his jacket pocket and pulling out two chapsticks, “Mint or cherry?”

“Oh my GODS stop making this game fucking  _ weird _ you furry!” Tommy groaned.

“I would pick cherry.” Tubbo said, pointing to the pink one.

“See, I was thinking that too,” Fundy nodded, pocketing the mint chapstick.

“TUBBO! STOP ENCOURAGING HIM!”

“Why?! I was just answering his  _ question _ ,” Tubbo cried defensively, “I do  _ not _ endorse the kissing of the robot.”

“The kissing of the  _ what _ ?” Skittles asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Let’s not ask any questions, we have to get through this dare don’t we?” Fundy remarked, applying the chapstick on before popping his lips.

“That was  _ not _ going to be the dare!” Tubbo grimaced, “I was going to dare you to turn into a fox.”

“A  _ fox!? _ ” Fundy spluttered glancing at Skittles nervously, “and then what? A bird? Don’t be funny, Tubbo, I can’t turn into a fox!”

“I think foxes are cute.” Skittles shrugged.

“So anyways, as I was saying,” Fundy continued, now as a fox, “foxes are  _ wonderful _ creatures, I’m so glad to be able to turn into one.”

“Foxes shouldn’t be able to talk,” Skittles wrinkled their nose.

“ _ Agreed _ !” Tommy exclaimed, clapping his hands together.

“Oh, uh, fuck,” Fundy muttered under his breath, “Meow?”

“What’s going on here guys?” Eret asked, coming up behind the group, huffing from the effort of crossing the entire camp twice.

“Eret! You’re back!” Skittles exclaimed, smiling brilliantly as they rose to their feet to greet him.

“It’s about  _ time _ you got here, holy SHIT! What  _ took _ you so long?!” Tommy yelled, throwing his arms in the air, “We had to sit in the fucking sun— in the _ heat _ — in the middle of this FUCKING potato field like a bunch of  _ idiots _ just waiting for you! We even started playing truth or dare like  _ children _ or something!”

“Well you  _ are _ — uh, I mean, meow meow  _ meow  _ bark woof growl...m-moo?” he winced at the embarrassing attempt as Eret shot him a questioning look.

“C’mon Fundy, we all know the song,” Tubbo rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

“ _ Right _ ,” Fundy whispered under his breath, unearthing his repressed 2013 memories in an attempt to recall the lyrics and hopefully salvage the conversation.

“Well it looks like  _ you _ guys got up to some interesting things,” Eret snickered, “but  _ I  _ was actually busy setting up something  _ special _ for me and Skittles.” He smiled at them and the candy brand blushed.

“Ugh,” Tommy gagged, “Do you  _ mind _ ?! SOME of us don’t want to see you guys be  _ gross _ and  _ flirty!” _

Fundy meowed in agreement.

“Well it’s a good thing you won’t need to then! Skittles and I are going somewhere  _ else _ , and Fundy already agreed to babysit the two of you!”

“Ex _ cuse _ me!” Tommy exclaimed, leaping to his feet, “Babysit WHO! Me and  _ Tubbo? _ ! The FURRY is the one that needs  _ babysitting _ he looks like he’s gonna SHIT himself trying to remember what fucking SOUND he needs to make!”

“I mean, being bilingual  _ is _ pretty hard,” Tubbo remarked.

“IT’S NOT A  _ LANGUAGE,  _ TUBBO, IT’S A  _ SOUND _ !”

“You don’t  _ know  _ that!”

“WH—! Well it would be TRIlingual  _ anyways, _ he also speaks dutch!”

“That’s true,” Tubbo conceded.

“Of  _ course _ it is, because I’m  _ always _ right and I  _ always  _ tell the truth,” Tommy huffed, crossing his arms.

“You don’t need to worry about the whole babysitting thing,” Eret assured him, “Fundy and I prepared a fun activity for all of you to do while Skittles and I are gone, he’ll tell you ALL about it as soon as I leave, right Fundy?”

“Woof— oh fuck it,” he grumbled, reverting back to his human form, “Yeah, I’ll do that I guess.”

“I don’t want to take part in  _ anything _ that you guys prepared,” Tommy declared, “It’s probably  _ stupid _ .”

“You know  _ what _ ? It is!” Fundy exclaimed, throwing his arms up from his spot on the ground, “Maybe we should just go back to my ORIGINAL plan, Eret, it was a  _ really  _ good arrangement.” 

“No Fundy, I can’t let you do that, this plan is the best one we have, okay?” Eret waved him off.

“It’s  _ really _ NOT—!”

“We’ll be taking our leave now,” Eret cut in, holding his arm out to Skittles, who looped their hand through it and beamed, “good luck boys.”

“Bye Eret!” Tubbo waved back to him.

“I really appreciate it, Fundy, thank you,” Skittles smiled, patting the fox man on the head before walking off.

“Oh, yeah, sure! No problem!” He yelped, his ears perking up in excitement, “It’s my pleasure!”

“Pull yourself together, man,” Tommy muttered, kicking the furry’s leg in an attempt to break him out of the trance that kept his eyes glued to the receding form of Skittles.

“What was the plan Eret was talking about before? I assume it has something to do with getting rid of Skittles, right?” Tubbo asked.

“Huh? Oh yeah, Eret was just saying how since Skittles is still like the  _ brand _ then their arch-nemesis would still be M&M’S. We gotta build an M&M’S machine to rival it in….” he trailed off, his shoulders dropping as he watched Skittles lean their head on Eret’s shoulder.

“Oh  _ I  _ get it,” Tubbo nodded, ignoring the change in Fundy’s mood, “We need to build an M&M’S robot the right way this time and make it be a rival for Eret’s love! If Skittles feels like their love is threatened then they’ll go away! After that we’ll just dismantle M&M’S and Eret will be free, right?!”

“Wh— huh? Uh, yeah yeah, sure, that thing, whatever you said.” Fundy waved him off, tearing his eyes away from the couple as their figures faded into the distance.

“Okay then how about we split the work like this: You can work on the scripts that’ll direct its functions, and Tommy and I will work on the outer bits and the dialogue commands.”

“Fine by me, I guess,” he shrugged.

“Hey why don’t  _ I _ get a say in any of this?!” Tommy piped up.

“Well do  _ you _ want to work on the parts that’ll make M&M’S be all flert—”

“NEVERMIND nevermind,” Tommy screeched, cutting him off as he waved his arms around frantically, “let’s just do what you said before, it’s a good plan.”

“Don’t worry Tommy we’ll make it look cool!” Tubbo assured him.

“It’s an  _ M&M’S _ robot, Tubbo, the only thing that could make it cool is if it had a  _ knife _ or some— TUBBO I have the BEST IDEA!”

“Uh oh.”

“LET’S GIVE IT A KNIFE!”

“I don’t think we should give it a knife, Tommy, that sounds like a bad idea.”

“Stop chatting shit, Tubbo, this is the BEST idea _ ever _ !”

“What would it even  _ do _ with a knife?!” Tubbo asked, glancing at Fundy for support, though it seemed like the fox man was too busy feeling sorry for himself to notice.

“Oh, okay, I see,  _ fine. SURE. _ I  _ won’t _ give the robot a knife,” Tommy winked, glancing at Fundy to make sure had he heard him.

“No, Tommy, don’t  _ actually _ give it a knife, okay?”

“NO NO!  _ Sure! _ Of COURSE I won’t, it wouldn’t have a  _ purpose  _ ANYWAYS! Just like you said!” 

Realizing that the babysitter-ship had migrated from Fundy to him, Tubbo let out a sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. He supposed he’d cross the knife hurdle when he got there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Skeret date. When will the suffering end.
> 
> Also side note: Fundy _can_ speak fox, he just wanted to impress Skittles by making the 'humanly appropriate' fox sound, which doesn't exist as Ylvis had so kindly informed us. "Just make regular fox noises, then, they'll get it" No they won't, foxes straight up fucking scream, he's not gonna scream at them, that would be rude.
> 
> As always, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Let me know if there's any specific kind of oneshot you'd like to see from this au and I'll see what I can do for you once _this_ mess is finally completed!
> 
> As of 1/19/21, ownership of this work has officially been handed over to Clichewho, the original author of the percy jackson series, as I've moved on from the writing team for this series. She's a super talented writer and I'm sure that you'll thoroughly enjoy whatever she has in store for this little oneshot series!


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